New Story: The Colombian

Spinetingler published my story "The Colombian" this morning.

The sedan crunched over gravel on Marco’s driveway. Marco squinted into the early afternoon sun. The visitor stepped out of the sedan and started down the stone steps toward the shore. Marco grimaced and turned back to his traps.

“How’s it going, Marco?” The visitor stopped at the bottom of the stairs.

“You never visit with good news, Albright.”

The detective smeared the sweat on his forehead. “Your brother’s in trouble again.”

Marco reset the last trap and dropped it into the water. “What else is new?”

“This won’t go away with probation and a fine. You hear about the two city cops who got shot?”

Read the whole thing at Spinetingler.

My Legacy Down Under

One day in Parramatta I bought some fish balls from a Thai street vendor.  I could fit so many of them in my mouth at once, she named her dingo after me.  She kept pointing at me, then pointing at the dingo and saying the name.  She didn't speak English, so I had to ask her husband what it meant.  He said, "I translate rough: 'one with heroic appetite.'"

Later that night I told the story to a girl I met in a nightclub.  When I told her the name, she stared at my jaw and said, "It doesn't look that much like a shovel."

Exclusive: A Deleted Scene from Traffic

In the following scene, Robert Wakefield is in his car with his daughter Caroline after saving her from a life of drugs and prostitution. It's a shame it got cut from the movie, because dialogue with this much poignancy could have earned Michael Douglas and Erika Christensen a pair of well deserved Oscars.

CAROLINE: Oh, Daddy. I'm so glad to see you. I was so scared. And everything was so dirty. And I sucked so many dicks.

ROBERT: It's okay. You're safe now.

CAROLINE: No, you don't understand. I sucked so many dicks. I mean, there were just so many. I can't even begin to count... wait. Maybe I can do the math on it. Average about four dicks a day. Except on Saturdays. Oh, on Saturdays I sucked sooo many dicks. Ten... fifteen? I don't know. And I was there for six weeks...

ROBERT: None of that matters anymore. You shouldn't dwell on it.

CAROLINE: Seriously, so many dicks. And I juggled so many nuts--

ROBERT: Look, stop talking about the dicks and the juggling, okay? It's over. Just... just let it go.

CAROLINE: (pause) I guess it wasn't that many dicks.

ROBERT: Okay.

CAROLINE: Okay?

ROBERT: Okay.

CAROLINE: (whispering) Kind of a lot, though.

Historical Anachronisms in the New Sherlock Holmes Movie

Guy Ritchie's blockbuster version of Sherlock Holmes may be entertaining, but there were quite a few moments when historical inaccuracies ruined my suspension of disbelief. These are just a few of them.

• Sherlock Holmes would not have referred to cocaine as "yayo."
• Although the characters call them "instant telegrams," Holmes is clearly reading Dr. Watson's messages on a Blackberry.
• Oliver Cromwell did not invent the Segway.
• Europeans did in fact call America the "New World," but not because they thought that it was literally a different planet.
• Passenger pigeons did not have prehensile saddles. Holmes could not have ridden one from London to Edinburgh, let alone strapped a gatling gun to its breastbone.
• The psychokinetic implant that Watson uses to set Parliament on fire with his mind was not invented until 1926.
• When Robert Downey Jr. takes off his shirt and slowly oils his chest, the bird tattoo above the pelvis makes it obvious that his body double was Asia Argento.

New Story

Beat to a Pulp posted my story "Conjugal" today. Check it out. While you're at it, check out editor David Cranmer's blog, Education of a Pulp Writer. He links to some cool stuff, like an interview with Patricia Highsmith and a documentary about Los Angeles during the time of Raymond Chandler.

I'd be remiss if I didn't thank Elaine Ash for her input on "Conjugal." The folks at BTAP are a good bunch.

I'm still hard at work on the reboot of Crime and Suspense. Thanks to everyone who submitted stories. The new issue is just around the corner.